Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity

One of my favorite Christian authors is Mark Batterson. Mark is the lead pastor of a church he planted out in Washington D.C., and I first found Mark's book while browsing through the Christianity section of a Barnes and Noble. My reason for browsing the store that day was to find some books to help me take control of my life - I was in a bad place at the time, and I needed something that would remind me that God had a plan for my life and that there was still a bright hope for my future (I can't believe I was already overly worried about that at the age of 23, but oh well). Then, I saw Mark's book, titled: In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars. Sounded exactly like what I needed - a book that would help me to take control of situations when an opportunity presented itself!

Needless to say, I loved the book, and I became a huge fan of Mark's writing. Mark mentioned at the end of the book that he had a blog, so I immediately got onto that mailing list! Within the year after I found this book, Mark released his second book: Wild Goose Chase: Reclaim the Adventure of Pursuing God - a wonderful book that reminded me that following God's will is much like chasing a wild goose - you never know which direction He will decide to lead you in!

Now, over Christmas, Mark is set to release his third book: Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity. I am going to be honest, when I read the title and some of Mark's thoughts/themes of the book, I was not sure if I would like it. After all, his first two books seemed to have a clear theme of "here are some ways to follow God's will for your life"...but a quest for the lost soul of Christianity? I didn't know we were missing any soul! I think we are still doing relatively well after 2,000 years, and I was honestly thinking of not buying the book initially since I thought it would be more about historical facts and history of the church than about how it relates to my life today...

...how wrong I was...

Through a very fortunate set of circumstances, I was one of the chosen people to partake in Mark's Blog Tour. I received an advanced copy of Primal and have LOVED it. Mark covers very well how we need to recapture that initial excitement and love that the early Christians had. I mean, they were giving their lives to the cause - literally - and they were meeting illegally for hundreds of years before Christianity became legal! Obviously, their beliefs and fellowship was something that they knew was worth dying for, and we have lost that today in our culture. What is the worst that will happen to us when we fully practice our Christian beliefs? We might have some people judge us? Our friends might think we are weird? We may not be invited to a party? How trivial our current "woes" of expressing our faith are compared to those early Christians!

Mark does an excellent job throughout Primal of mixing real world, concrete examples that better demonstrate how our faith works. I love his mix of sciences, history, and faith beliefs. It makes it possible for us to pull our whole life into focus and to see how our faith is really represented through everything around us. One of my favorite visuals involves Mark explaining how the eyes of a baby develop. He says that there is limited color spectrum in babies' eyes and that they can only see as far as about 13 inches initially...but that within a year their eyes have adjusted to be almost as good as an adult. He mentions how slowly they begin to see more and more colors, and how they begin to see that there is more and more to this world than the 13 inches they had been seeing....what a great representation of how our faith also begins on such a small spectrum before growing and maturing to show us how amazing it can truly be.

Mark's book is filled with great references to the past, present, and science that helps us to understand what our church today has lost compared to early Christians. I think the "primal movement" that Mark envisions in this book is one that is greatly needed in our culture and world today - a reclaiming of that faith that set so many people on fire 2,000 years ago and that is still setting people on fire today.

If you read only one book in 2010, I highly recommend having it be Primal by Mark Batterson...and let me step up that challenge to have it be the first book you read in the new year! What better way to start off your year than with a reclaiming of your "primal" faith?

The book releases tomorrow, December 22nd! You can order your copy here.

A defining moment

Each of us has a defining moment in our life. A moment when we experience something that makes us say: "this is how I am going to live my life" or "this is not what I am going to be"...you don't know when these moments or revelations are going to hit you, but when they do, you are changed forever. What's even more amazing, is that these moments can be such a wide range of possibilities...it can involve emotions, actions, careers, others, yourself, life, death - anything.

One of my defining moments came for me during high school. Between sophomore and junior year, my youth director moved away. It was very sad, but I had full confidence in his replacement and in the continuing support of my friends who attended the Wednesday events with me.

However, a few months after he left, one of my friends who I considered on of his "favorites" went off the deep end. She started to get involved in things that weren't her and that we had discussed many times as being actions she didn't want to participate in. After about a month of this strange behavior, my friends and I decided that we should contact our former youth director. If anyone was going to talk some sense into her, it was going to be him.

I don't recall if we called or emailed him, but I do remember that we were able to get a hold of him and ask him to give her a call regarding her strange behavior. I was so disappointed when his response to us was basically: it is out of my hands. He may have also told us to confront her ourselves or have directed us to the new youth director, but these options seemed hollow. He was the one whose opinion would matter to her...he was the one who would be able to get directly to her heart on the subject.

Sure, maybe my friends and I had too much hope placed in our former youth director...maybe we should have aggressively pursued a different direction or option...but even so, it was a defining moment for me. A moment when I decided that if I ever went into ministry, I would not "drop" any of the kids I worked with even if I did move away. I also try to use this mentality in all areas of my life...and to stay connected to all the important people from my past. I'm not always successful, but I do try to put my heart into it. And maybe some of you have noticed how I get crazily overexcited when I see someone I haven't seen in awhile...it is partially because of this defining moment from my past. I want everyone I've known to feel like they are loved, important, and that they have been missed.

In case you're curious, my friend continued to "slide down" a slippery slope that we couldn't pull her back from...and to my knowledge, she never received that phone call that my friends and I believed might have been able to pull her back.

We all have our defining moments - whether through a positive or negative event - and we will all contribute to someone else's defining moment. We're each going to have a passion or personality that is going to shape our lives and the lives of others - pursue it.

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days when you can just cannot do anything right? Or you feel like what you think is important and what you have put your energy into is just completely ignored by those around you? Like you're standing there in the center of a hundred people and no one will listen to you?

I know that feeling, and I hate it.

I had that feeling last week. Like everything I was trying to do what pointless - like I was the only one that even cared - and that no one seemed to notice that there was even a problem. I stumbled into a hole...and I just kinda wanted to sit there and let the world cave in around me.

Thank God for roommates and those other random people who will call or text at random hours! Because without them, I would've embraced the hole, but if you have the right people in your life supporting you - they may not necessarily see that you are in a hole - but they will still pull you out of it irregardless.

I know you all go through tough times...that you all get to a point where you want to throw in the towel and crawl into that hole and not come out...and this is why it is so important when you decide who you are going to be close friends with. If you choose friends that will be more concerned about their own problems or schedule - you are going to be left to sink into that hole rather than be pulled out. And I think if we do that and surround ourselves with enough selfish people, we begin to stop seeing Jesus in those around us and only keep seeing the problems of the world.

I'm not sure if I'm really directing this to a final point...maybe it's the sore throat clouding my head...but take time to appreciate those around you who support you. Because the only way that good people will continue to support you is by them knowing that their support is making a difference in your life. It's not like you need to do much - send a card, leave them a post-it note with a nice message, offer to do something for them for once - and your appreciation and love will be given back to you ten times over!

"Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you." - Luke 6:30-31

just one miracle to get me through...

I've been sitting here for the better part of the last 20 minutes just begging God to do this one thing for me. Asking Him for this one request - even if it is the only 'miracle' He will give me for the rest of my life (I'm not so sure whether or not this would necessarily be a miracle - I would count it as a miracle - maybe you wouldn't).

I've just been sitting here, begging, pleading, nearly crying, and asking God to hear what is in my heart.

And then it occurred to me that maybe sometimes we are the missing link in the miracle that we (and God) want to happen - maybe it's our step out in faith that puts the miracle in motion. So I took my step - and I am praying that God will make that step fruitful and that what I am begging and pleading for will happen.

God may not answer me the way that I want Him to...but I know that He has heard me, and that I have confidently tried to take that step forward to set this miracle into motion.

Psalm 145:18-21
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

Amen.

from worse to worst

"God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the pain,
and light for the way."

Ok, so last year I had "stocked up" on writing some blogs (this was before I had anything going on - like in August when I started, so I had a lot of spare time since no events were actually happening yet). Anyways, so I came across this old blog from last year - and it kinda hit a chord with me. I've been in a weird mood lately - and maybe you have been too - it's like it's from the constant rain and clouds or something...

Anyways, last August, I attended my first diocesan conference, and our keynote speaker of the day was Fr. Richard Fragomeni. At one point during his presentation, Fr. Fragomeni asked a rhetorical question to the audience…he asked us if we had ever been depressed because we were depressed. Right after he asked this question, it was like a slap across my face had just woken me up. I listened intently to what he was going to discuss, and he went on to talk about how our JOY in our faith in God brings us through these troubling times. I couldn't have agreed more, since only my unwavering belief that God is good no matter what is what brings me through some of those dark times.

And right before his talk, I was going through one of those dark times. It's not like it's a secret among my friends and family that when I move or change locations (which I was doing during last August), that I get horribly anxious and depressed. Change bothers me, I'm a social person, and being in a new permanent location is something that I just do not handle well, since it completely uproots me from all of the friends I have formed. I move into my new place, and BOOM - the depression overtakes me. As I had been dreading the upcoming moving date to Fairmont, realizing that this depression could overtake me, realizing that my life was all over the place while in the month-long transition, and also dealing with the loss of my grandpa….I was depressed. Not clinically, but I knew I wasn't happy, and I knew that my mind was fighting with me to escape reality. I felt like someone who was going through the motions of my daily life…waking up, eating what little I could stomach, and visiting my friends that I could still see…even though none of these things were bringing me true happiness. My inability to actually be content over that previous week was making me depressed - I was depressed that I was depressed (because when you're normally a happy person - being unhappy is annoying), but how in the world do you pull yourself from that?

Fr. Fragomeni's words hit home more than he knew they would for me. And even though I knew handling being depressed because I was depressed wasn't something that I could come out of easily, I knew that I didn't have to. I knew that it wasn't in my power to pull out, but I knew that God was remaining with me through that time. And now, I know that in the future, I won't even remember feeling those depressed feelings - in the end, my new experiences, and my new friends and lifestyle will settle, and in the end, I will still have that same JOY for my faith that held me through those dark times. That's the amazing thing about the joy that God gives us - even when we can't feel it, even when it may not be evident and in the front of our minds, we still know it's there, and that that peace and joy from God is always with us through the storm.

In case you're curious, I didn't actually get too crazily upset during my final official move to Fairmont, and I have gotten over those moving jitters! And I'm pretty sure moving here is one of the best decisions I've ever made. :)

Discipline.

Discipline.

This is something that I thought I had - but have recently realized I do not have.

And maybe some of you are in the same boat.

See, I think I was getting being responsible mixed up with having discipline, and that is just so not the case.

But, I have figured out one area of my life that I want to improve with discipline - and that is my prayer life.

Last night, at our Junior/Senior meeting, I brought up the idea of having a prayer journal - a notebook where you can write out your prayers word for word or just write down a list of what you want to pray for. I started mine last night - and wrote out 4 1/2 pages in the notebook.

The way I look at it is this - sure, I try to let God into my life in all areas - but when I let him into my life in all areas - it has turned into me not focusing only on God - it's always mixing God into all of the areas of my life. This isn't a bad thing, but I was never setting aside time to really focus on God daily.

This journal will change that.

By keeping a prayer journal - you step away from those distractions and you focus on that pen and the paper and what you want to say to God. Your writing keeps your mind focused on your prayer and even forces your mind to slowly go over what you're praying/writing. Your mind can't race ahead through thoughts since you have to purposefully write down each thought and spend some extra time thinking about it.

So my challenge for all of you is to begin your own prayer journal - and if you feeling ok enough - bring it to school so you can jot down prayers during the day or to make a list of what you want to pray about later - if you don't want to risk losing the journal or having people reading over your shoulder - keep it by your bed and make a point to write in it each day - even if it is only a few lines! I'm sure that I won't be writing 4 pages everyday - but I'm sure there will be another day when I have that much that I want to write down.

Another great thing to do with this journal is even to just read through it some night as your prayer - you'll see where you were and where you've come - and you'll be reminded of things that you want to pray about that you've maybe forgotten.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Side note: any 11th and 12th graders interested in the Bible study we're doing - I bought some notebooks specifically for this - so you can pick one up at my office or stop by on Sunday after church for our next Bible study! Meet at the Parish Center after the 10 AM Mass (or about 11:30).

Chance or not to chance...

School has been back in session for a few weeks now...and as I've said before, things have changed, but you're probably falling into your normal routine by now. You know who you sit by at lunch, who you walk with between classes, etc. etc.

When I stopped in for lunch on Wednesday, I saw something pretty cool. The first thing I saw was one of the SJV kids and when I asked her what she was up to, she said: Oh, we're inviting (insert whatever the name was here) to sit at our table with us.

Now that was cool.

I've been reading a book my Mark Hart called: Blessed Are the Bored In Spirit. Towards the end of the book - he begins to discuss what it takes to live our our Christian faith. He says that we need to have courage to stand up for our faith and to take actions that may make us appear foolish. As I believe I have stated before on this blog - and as Mark says in the book regarding Peter stepping out of the boat and onto water: "Those three steps that Peter took were three more than the rest of the clan."

Sure, Peter may have appeared foolish - especially when everyone there and everyone who has subsequently read the Bible got to hear about how he began to fear and then to sink - but he was the only one to even try. It's easy to judge him and laugh - I could see his buddies after he got back in the boat say: "Ha! How could you lose faith and begin to sink? Jesus was right there - you were fine! Don't you trust him?"

...but did any of them even try to step out of the boat? No.

I love something else that Mark says in the book along with this: "It's easy to cast judgment on priests or politicians or celebrities and dismiss them as sinners or people who don't live up to their calling. Meanwhile we, the unnamed masses, "bravely" hide from the moral dilemmas and truths in our own homes, schools and jobs. When have you been courageous in your faith this year? In what ways have you personally answered the call to act from your heart?"

And it's so true - isn't it? Don't we just hide behind our anonymity? Aren't you kind of 'happy' when you leave town and know that no one will know you - therefore you don't need to worry about if they're judging your actions or words? Why do you think that it's sometimes so easy to live out our faith and profess it while we're on Mission Trips or retreats that are out of town...but then lose our words or convictions once we return home?

It's easy to risk things when we know we will move back into oblivion...it's more difficult to risk things when we know our actions will have a lasting memory in our friends minds and judgments.

So I ask you...what have you done this year that has had you step out onto the water and put all your trust in Jesus? Even if the masses will see your fear mixed with your conviction?

Here is a passage from 2 Timothy 1:8-12 that involves Paul (being a prisoner at the time) being willing to take any pain or suffering from this world since he looks for his deliverance in God. I doubt any of you will go to prison and suffer through a trial for your beliefs...but sometimes going through any "persecution" by your friends can feel like it...:

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."

"My Face Hurts"

Hello everyone!

How did the first week of school go? Amazing? Not so amazing? Big changes? Not such big changes?

I'm hoping all of you are getting your school year off to a good start…and if it's not off to a good start…I want to challenge all of you to push yourselves to take some healthy risks to make this school year awesome. Make a new friend that has your same interests…even if they aren't going to help your "popularity" (I can promise you that being popular and unhappy is no way to live…at least be unpopular and happy, ok?)…or join an extracurricular - even if it's one that will surprise everyone!...or come get involved in more stuff at church - I try to make it so that you guys never have a dull moment - you just need to accept my offers!

I ran across a quote today in an old email from one of my friends - she had just taken some new family pictures…and she said: "My face always hurts after taking those type of pictures. Maybe I should practice smiling more."

I'm going to be honest, I broke into laughter after I read what she wrote. Practice smiling more? Who does that? Who consciously even thinks about how much they're smiling? I think we all might be aware when we don't smile…because that first genuine smile after a long time of not smiling is like a breath of fresh air. And I want you ALL to be smiling enough this year so that I don't hear you saying that your face hurts from having to smile…or maybe I should hope that your face DOES hurt from smiling so much because your muscles are just getting used to the constant smiling?

Either way - let's get some strong face smile muscles this year!

Here's a great Bible verse that is on our Fall Fest posters - it's from the book of Ezra (10:4) - "Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."

Go for it!

As a new school year begins...

As a new school year begins…things will change. We've gone through a "long" three months where personalities have changed, friendships have changed, experiences have changed…things have changed…for some - it's for the better…for others - it's for the worse. The first day jitters will be upon you in 1 week…and you'll reconnect with friends you've missed this summer…and your friendships may start up again like the last 3 months didn't happen…or they might only have that initial "so excited to see you!" and then trail off into being acquaintances…

High school is tough. It's fun, but it's tough…people change a lot in high school…and it's a constant struggle. I know that my "best" friend changed practically every year in high school…and it wasn't due to anything in particular, it just happened. Things changed, we changed, and different people brought out our better qualities rather than each other.

As you go forward into this new school year…don't be frustrated by the changes if they will make you a better person...instead - embrace what will make you into the person you want to be for the better. I've seen too many people fall into traps of things that they think will make them feel better…but then these things only cause their life to spiral around in a circle without any true direction. If your goal of the week is to get to the end of the week and use a substance that will make you forget about your whole week…how is that a life? All you're doing is living to forget…living to "bond" with people who only want to forget about you and forget about what you've both done.

I'm telling you all that there's a better way - and that we have a clear goal and direction as Christians…we're not called to spin in circles or to forget this life…this life is a brief gift with many amazing things to see and do while we are here.

So don't waste your time this year trying to "survive" or to forget about your life…some high school situations will be hard - but I am here for all of you…and I will listen and be your support…and I will have tons of things for you to be involved in that will help you to become the person that you want to be…so if you're spinning in circles - stop! There is a better direction.

I found a quote recently by Albert Schweitzer that states: "The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives." Don't let anything inside of you die - you are meant to LIVE!

1 Corinthians 1:6-10 says:

"You became imitators...of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers...your faith in God has become known everywhere...They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead—Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath."

Chase the Lion

As graduation and summer nears and many of you, your friends, and/or your family are going on to new adventures...I want to share with you this excerpt from the book, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day. Weird title - awesome book. The author is Mark Batterson - if you want to check out more about him - he has a lovely blog: http://www.evotional.com/.

We're not called to lead an easy or a boring life...so let's start taking some God-inspired risks! For all of you graduating or moving or making some big drastic life change: Congratulations, Good Luck, and don't forget who you are or what you believe.

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away."

PUSH!

"A rolling stone grows no moss"…well, a stone can't get rolling without a push, right?

I've been thinking a lot lately about service to others…and an article I read today added some clarification to my thoughts…a quote on it said: "Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for us." (this author was quoting from The Message: Galations 3). The author was using this quote to explain a revelation he had that it is not about what we do for God, but it is truly about what God does for us…which I agree with - to an extent.

I have been involved in a number of arguments (or should I say 'discussions'?) surrounding deeds vs. faith…that constant back-and-forth about "earning" your way into Heaven vs. accepting what only God can give…and reading this article today - it made me consider how the two are completely tied together. You can't talk about one without talking about the other. Like how God is in all three parts of the trinity and you cannot pull them apart…like how I am a sister and a daughter and you can't argue whether I am one or the other - I'm both!

It all starts when we get that initial faith "push" - we believe in God, we believe in His Word and in His commands…and then we take off and spread that love to others around us. That initial push is what gets us rolling…and if our faith and our belief is strong enough - we will continue to "keep rolling" to help and to serve and to allow our faith to push us in every direction God opens up for us. We cannot serve others without God giving us the opportunity and ability to serve and we want to serve because God has given us the ability to do so!

God gives us the opportunities we have to share our faith with others through our actions and deeds…have you taken His push to spread His love through your actions?

And don't forget: P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens...

I miss Mike.

Some of you may be curious of why I was gone this weekend and why everything was canceled from Sunday to Tuesday. Then again, maybe some of you didn't even notice I was missing. Either way, I hope this story will remind you of how precious life is.

Last Thursday, I had one of the "firsts" in my life that I never wanted to become a "first."

Thursday started out normal enough…I went to work, and then I had the joy of "road tripping" out to a co-worker's house to help her get her vehicle back from the repair shop.

Thursday was filled with a lot of things to do - one of my high school friends had planned a "girls weekend reunion" that would begin on Friday, so I was making my mental checklist of what I needed to get done before heading to the Twin Cities…I also was going through my mental checklist of what I needed to have prepared for a summer trips meeting I had planned for the following Tuesday. I was running around trying to get through all of these checklists in my head…completely oblivious to the fact that these checklists would become the farthest thing from my mind by 6:00.

While out at my co-worker's house, my friend, Kate, who had planned the weekend reunion, called me. I figured she was calling about some change to the weekend or question about the weekend…so I ignored the call, intending to call her once I got back home that night. My co-worker dropped me back off at my office and while I was getting on my computer to wrap up things for the night, one of my other friend's from high school, Jess, sent me an instant message. It went like this:

J: "Did Kate call you?"
M: "Yeah, but I silenced it cause I was at a co-workers house. What's up?"

*my cell phone rings*

At this point, I know something's up. Why couldn't Jess just tell me over instant message if there was some trivial thing regarding the weekend happening? I assumed it meant that the weekend trip had been canceled for some reason…...I wish I had been right.

I answered my phone and Jess said, "Mike committed suicide last night."

My head and heart just froze. I repeated Jess' voice in my head, and over the word "committed" I used my own voice to say "attempted….attempted." But no matter how much I wanted what I said to be true, I knew that within the week I would be facing the truth that he was truly dead and not recovering in a hospital.

I immediately asked Jess who else she had talked to, and I knew I had to get on the phone with a few of my friends who were a lot closer to Mike than I was. I hung up with Jess - telling her I'd call her back - and immediately called one of my other friends that knew Mike better.

No one knew much yet, just that the funeral was most likely on Tuesday. I grabbed everything out of my office that I needed and headed downstairs. I was happy to see that Father was in his office so that I could tell him immediately that I would be leaving for a funeral. I got off the phone with my friend and promised to call back in 5 minutes.

I walked into Father's office and finally admitted what my brain had been suppressing for the past 10 minutes…I said, "One of my friend's committed suicide last night," and then I finally began to cry. It was the first time I had acknowledged it. Father was very supportive and asked the people he was meeting with to wait while we talked for a few minutes.

I was pretty much on the phone for the rest of the night - calling whoever I could think of to give them support or to just tell them the news. By the time midnight rolled around, I still didn’t feel like sleeping. I didn't know if I would ever feel like sleeping, but I knew I had to get up early and that I would be driving for several hours the next day…so I better get some sleep. I think I finally ended up getting around 4 hours.

The high school girls reunion weekend couldn't have come at a better time. We started planning it in the beginning of October…and ended up settling on this weekend in February…and there is no one else that I would have wanted to be with that weekend. We didn't necessarily talk about Mike's death much, but we all knew we were going through the same thing and having that support was very important. I know I wouldn't have stayed in Fairmont had this weekend reunion not been planned, so I'm glad that I had somewhere to go with people that would understand.

By Monday I was back in Fergus for the visitation and funeral. The crying I did was split up between crying for Mike and imagining what he was going through leading up to his death, crying for my friend's who I knew considered him one of their best friends (I could not imagine losing someone that close to me), and crying for his family - his parents, for losing one of their children, and for his siblings, for losing their older brother.

During high school I had a ton of classes with Mike. We were in a lot of the "advanced" classes, and since they usually only had one or two sections of them, that meant we saw a lot of each other, and we were both in band - which added a lot more hours and trips to our time together. Mike was always smiling, laughing, and making jokes. Even though some of his jokes were on the sarcastic or negative side, he was still trying to crack a smile or laugh even when the cards were against him. Most people would have just gotten mad or have complained, but not Mike - any anger or complaining that he did was meant to show the humor or light side of things, and I always appreciated that. Senior year, I even got to go to prom with him. When people would ask who I was going with, I wasn't sure how they would react since I didn't know what most people thought about Mike (I guess I wasn't too observant), and every single person I told was like, "Really? I LOVE Mike!" I always walked away from those conversations with a smile, because they hadn't just said, "oh yeah, he's cool" - they seriously had a huge reaction about how great he was. I guess Mike knew very well how to make friends with everyone.

Over the past year or so, I knew Mike had been having some hard times. I hadn't known him well enough in high school to stay in contact through actual phone conversations, but I did always ask about him through our mutual friends when I would talk to them. I kept tabs on the developments in his life, and Facebook did some to help me with that. Over the past several months, it had seemed like Mike was getting his life back in order, and I learned at his funeral that he had been volunteering a ton of time at our home parish as well as taking the initial steps to join the seminary. Mike had been back on track, he had made plans and was on the road to getting away from some of the negative influences he had gone through over the past year, but in the end...something got him.

I'm not going to get into theories or publicize all that I have heard…but I do want to say that Mike's faith had been renewed over these past months, and that some people said he felt most at peace when he was praying.

Now, all of Mike's family and friends are expected to continue with our lives. The funeral is over and everyone has returned to their respective jobs, homes, and schools. We walk around day after day as though nothing is hurting us, while on the inside we are still questioning, wondering, thinking, and praying. This a pain that we can never fully recover from but that we will learn to live with. I am currently carrying around a picture (that I just found out existed) of Mike and me during our band trip to NYC (the picture is on this blog - yes, that is the 10th grade version of me) as well as the 'program' (or whatever you would call it) from the funeral home. Last night I had the summer trips meeting that I had postponed as well as W.H.O. for the youth...I know I was smiling and seemed to be fully there and happy...but there wasn't one second during that whole time that the back of my brain wasn't thinking about Mike, his family, and his friends.

On the night he died, Mike had opened up his Bible to Psalm 108, and that is what I am going to leave you with today.

Psalm 108

My heart is steadfast, O God;

I will sing and make music with all my soul.

Awake, harp and lyre!

I will awaken the dawn.

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;

I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, higher than the heavens;

your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,

and let your glory be over all the earth.

Save us and help us with your right hand,

that those you love may be delivered.

God has spoken from his sanctuary:

"In triumph I will parcel out Shechem

and measure off the Valley of Succoth.

Gilead is mine, Manasseh is mine;

Ephraim is my helmet,

Judah my scepter.

Moab is my washbasin,

upon Edom I toss my sandal;

over Philistia I shout in triumph."

Who will bring me to the fortified city?

Who will lead me to Edom?

Is it not you, O God, you who have rejected us

and no longer go out with our armies?

Give us aid against the enemy,

for the help of man is worthless.

With God we will gain the victory,

and he will trample down our enemies.

...I still can't believe he's gone.

how can I say...

First off, I obviously have neglected this blog for about a month...and I apologize for that. It's not because I didn't think of things to write about (you'd have about 100 posts if that was the case), but it is because (sadly) I cannot drive and type or hang out with you guys and be writing a blog on my computer... Either way, I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and New Years with your family and friends - I know I did!

Now, onto what I wanted to write about before Christmas but am just getting to now. The Sunday before Christmas, Father Kevin had a wonderful homily where he read off a list of questions that really hit home to me. He was talking about Mary accepting God's call for her to become pregnant with Jesus. Father began by asking: How can you say yes? When you know others will gossip? How can you say yes? When you know your family will be ashamed? How can you say yes? When you know people will stare?

But then Father began to ask the flip side: How can you say no? When your actions will bring the Savior long foretold? How can you say no? When your actions will assist in bringing salvation to a world of sinners? How can you say no?

I don't remember his exact examples between the "how can you say yes/no," but the content is (for the most part) comparable.

Often times, we get so hung up on the negative...we don't know how we can take on one more class, we don't know how we can do one more activity, we don't know how we could possible handle helping a person in need since, in the end, it will involve too much time and too much effort....we can't get over the brick wall we place in our mind of "how can I....." instead of looking at the "how can I not..."
Think of how much richer each of our lives would be if we grasped every opportunity given to us? No matter how big or small the opportunity...and what if we sought to find these things? What if we gave ourselves in service to others without thinking about the brick wall of the "how can I"?

As I sit here typing this at an hour when I should really be sleeping (especially considering the fact that Wednesdays are my "marathon" days)...I cannot think of one action I have taken, of one opportunity that I have grasped, that I have regretted. There isn't a person I have met that I regret knowing (even the ones that may have hurt me) and there is not an event/place/trip that I regret attending (I guess I've forgotten all about some of the 'boring' ones ;) ). My only regrets are that there were not more hours in the day so that I could have given my full ability at times when I over-stretched myself.

So as 2009 begins, let's all think of ways where we can listen to God's call in our lives...to listen to where He wants us to go...and instead of saying "How can I when...?" let's say: "How can I not???"