Some of you may be curious of why I was gone this weekend and why everything was canceled from Sunday to Tuesday. Then again, maybe some of you didn't even notice I was missing. Either way, I hope this story will remind you of how precious life is.Last Thursday, I had one of the "firsts" in my life that I never wanted to become a "first." Thursday started out normal enough…I went to work, and then I had the joy of "road tripping" out to a co-worker's house to help her get her vehicle back from the repair shop. Thursday was filled with a lot of things to do - one of my high school friends had planned a "girls weekend reunion" that would begin on Friday, so I was making my mental checklist of what I needed to get done before heading to the Twin Cities…I also was going through my mental checklist of what I needed to have prepared for a summer trips meeting I had planned for the following Tuesday. I was running around trying to get through all of these checklists in my head…completely oblivious to the fact that these checklists would become the farthest thing from my mind by 6:00. While out at my co-worker's house, my friend, Kate, who had planned the weekend reunion, called me. I figured she was calling about some change to the weekend or question about the weekend…so I ignored the call, intending to call her once I got back home that night. My co-worker dropped me back off at my office and while I was getting on my computer to wrap up things for the night, one of my other friend's from high school, Jess, sent me an instant message. It went like this: J: "Did Kate call you?"
M: "Yeah, but I silenced it cause I was at a co-workers house. What's up?"
*my cell phone rings*
At this point, I know something's up. Why couldn't Jess just tell me over instant message if there was some trivial thing regarding the weekend happening? I assumed it meant that the weekend trip had been canceled for some reason…...I wish I had been right.
I answered my phone and Jess said, "Mike committed suicide last night."
My head and heart just froze. I repeated Jess' voice in my head, and over the word "committed" I used my own voice to say "attempted….attempted." But no matter how much I wanted what I said to be true, I knew that within the week I would be facing the truth that he was truly dead and not recovering in a hospital.
I immediately asked Jess who else she had talked to, and I knew I had to get on the phone with a few of my friends who were a lot closer to Mike than I was. I hung up with Jess - telling her I'd call her back - and immediately called one of my other friends that knew Mike better.
No one knew much yet, just that the funeral was most likely on Tuesday. I grabbed everything out of my office that I needed and headed downstairs. I was happy to see that Father was in his office so that I could tell him immediately that I would be leaving for a funeral. I got off the phone with my friend and promised to call back in 5 minutes.
I walked into Father's office and finally admitted what my brain had been suppressing for the past 10 minutes…I said, "One of my friend's committed suicide last night," and then I finally began to cry. It was the first time I had acknowledged it. Father was very supportive and asked the people he was meeting with to wait while we talked for a few minutes.
I was pretty much on the phone for the rest of the night - calling whoever I could think of to give them support or to just tell them the news. By the time midnight rolled around, I still didn’t feel like sleeping. I didn't know if I would ever feel like sleeping, but I knew I had to get up early and that I would be driving for several hours the next day…so I better get some sleep. I think I finally ended up getting around 4 hours.
The high school girls reunion weekend couldn't have come at a better time. We started planning it in the beginning of October…and ended up settling on this weekend in February…and there is no one else that I would have wanted to be with that weekend. We didn't necessarily talk about Mike's death much, but we all knew we were going through the same thing and having that support was very important. I know I wouldn't have stayed in Fairmont had this weekend reunion not been planned, so I'm glad that I had somewhere to go with people that would understand.
By Monday I was back in Fergus for the visitation and funeral. The crying I did was split up between crying for Mike and imagining what he was going through leading up to his death, crying for my friend's who I knew considered him one of their best friends (I could not imagine losing someone that close to me), and crying for his family - his parents, for losing one of their children, and for his siblings, for losing their older brother.
During high school I had a ton of classes with Mike. We were in a lot of the "advanced" classes, and since they usually only had one or two sections of them, that meant we saw a lot of each other, and we were both in band - which added a lot more hours and trips to our time together. Mike was always smiling, laughing, and making jokes. Even though some of his jokes were on the sarcastic or negative side, he was still trying to crack a smile or laugh even when the cards were against him. Most people would have just gotten mad or have complained, but not Mike - any anger or complaining that he did was meant to show the humor or light side of things, and I always appreciated that. Senior year, I even got to go to prom with him. When people would ask who I was going with, I wasn't sure how they would react since I didn't know what most people thought about Mike (I guess I wasn't too observant), and every single person I told was like, "Really? I LOVE Mike!" I always walked away from those conversations with a smile, because they hadn't just said, "oh yeah, he's cool" - they seriously had a huge reaction about how great he was. I guess Mike knew very well how to make friends with everyone.
Over the past year or so, I knew Mike had been having some hard times. I hadn't known him well enough in high school to stay in contact through actual phone conversations, but I did always ask about him through our mutual friends when I would talk to them. I kept tabs on the developments in his life, and Facebook did some to help me with that. Over the past several months, it had seemed like Mike was getting his life back in order, and I learned at his funeral that he had been volunteering a ton of time at our home parish as well as taking the initial steps to join the seminary. Mike had been back on track, he had made plans and was on the road to getting away from some of the negative influences he had gone through over the past year, but in the end...something got him.
I'm not going to get into theories or publicize all that I have heard…but I do want to say that Mike's faith had been renewed over these past months, and that some people said he felt most at peace when he was praying.
Now, all of Mike's family and friends are expected to continue with our lives. The funeral is over and everyone has returned to their respective jobs, homes, and schools. We walk around day after day as though nothing is hurting us, while on the inside we are still questioning, wondering, thinking, and praying. This a pain that we can never fully recover from but that we will learn to live with. I am currently carrying around a picture (that I just found out existed) of Mike and me during our band trip to NYC (the picture is on this blog - yes, that is the 10th grade version of me) as well as the 'program' (or whatever you would call it) from the funeral home. Last night I had the summer trips meeting that I had postponed as well as W.H.O. for the youth...I know I was smiling and seemed to be fully there and happy...but there wasn't one second during that whole time that the back of my brain wasn't thinking about Mike, his family, and his friends.
On the night he died, Mike had opened up his Bible to Psalm 108, and that is what I am going to leave you with today.
Psalm 108
My heart is steadfast, O God;
I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
and let your glory be over all the earth.
Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.
God has spoken from his sanctuary:
"In triumph I will parcel out Shechem
and measure off the Valley of Succoth.
Gilead is mine, Manasseh is mine;
Ephraim is my helmet,
Judah my scepter.
Moab is my washbasin,
upon Edom I toss my sandal;
over Philistia I shout in triumph."
Who will bring me to the fortified city?
Who will lead me to Edom?
Is it not you, O God, you who have rejected us
and no longer go out with our armies?
Give us aid against the enemy,
for the help of man is worthless.
With God we will gain the victory,
and he will trample down our enemies.
...I still can't believe he's gone.
