just one miracle to get me through...

I've been sitting here for the better part of the last 20 minutes just begging God to do this one thing for me. Asking Him for this one request - even if it is the only 'miracle' He will give me for the rest of my life (I'm not so sure whether or not this would necessarily be a miracle - I would count it as a miracle - maybe you wouldn't).

I've just been sitting here, begging, pleading, nearly crying, and asking God to hear what is in my heart.

And then it occurred to me that maybe sometimes we are the missing link in the miracle that we (and God) want to happen - maybe it's our step out in faith that puts the miracle in motion. So I took my step - and I am praying that God will make that step fruitful and that what I am begging and pleading for will happen.

God may not answer me the way that I want Him to...but I know that He has heard me, and that I have confidently tried to take that step forward to set this miracle into motion.

Psalm 145:18-21
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

Amen.

from worse to worst

"God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the pain,
and light for the way."

Ok, so last year I had "stocked up" on writing some blogs (this was before I had anything going on - like in August when I started, so I had a lot of spare time since no events were actually happening yet). Anyways, so I came across this old blog from last year - and it kinda hit a chord with me. I've been in a weird mood lately - and maybe you have been too - it's like it's from the constant rain and clouds or something...

Anyways, last August, I attended my first diocesan conference, and our keynote speaker of the day was Fr. Richard Fragomeni. At one point during his presentation, Fr. Fragomeni asked a rhetorical question to the audience…he asked us if we had ever been depressed because we were depressed. Right after he asked this question, it was like a slap across my face had just woken me up. I listened intently to what he was going to discuss, and he went on to talk about how our JOY in our faith in God brings us through these troubling times. I couldn't have agreed more, since only my unwavering belief that God is good no matter what is what brings me through some of those dark times.

And right before his talk, I was going through one of those dark times. It's not like it's a secret among my friends and family that when I move or change locations (which I was doing during last August), that I get horribly anxious and depressed. Change bothers me, I'm a social person, and being in a new permanent location is something that I just do not handle well, since it completely uproots me from all of the friends I have formed. I move into my new place, and BOOM - the depression overtakes me. As I had been dreading the upcoming moving date to Fairmont, realizing that this depression could overtake me, realizing that my life was all over the place while in the month-long transition, and also dealing with the loss of my grandpa….I was depressed. Not clinically, but I knew I wasn't happy, and I knew that my mind was fighting with me to escape reality. I felt like someone who was going through the motions of my daily life…waking up, eating what little I could stomach, and visiting my friends that I could still see…even though none of these things were bringing me true happiness. My inability to actually be content over that previous week was making me depressed - I was depressed that I was depressed (because when you're normally a happy person - being unhappy is annoying), but how in the world do you pull yourself from that?

Fr. Fragomeni's words hit home more than he knew they would for me. And even though I knew handling being depressed because I was depressed wasn't something that I could come out of easily, I knew that I didn't have to. I knew that it wasn't in my power to pull out, but I knew that God was remaining with me through that time. And now, I know that in the future, I won't even remember feeling those depressed feelings - in the end, my new experiences, and my new friends and lifestyle will settle, and in the end, I will still have that same JOY for my faith that held me through those dark times. That's the amazing thing about the joy that God gives us - even when we can't feel it, even when it may not be evident and in the front of our minds, we still know it's there, and that that peace and joy from God is always with us through the storm.

In case you're curious, I didn't actually get too crazily upset during my final official move to Fairmont, and I have gotten over those moving jitters! And I'm pretty sure moving here is one of the best decisions I've ever made. :)

Discipline.

Discipline.

This is something that I thought I had - but have recently realized I do not have.

And maybe some of you are in the same boat.

See, I think I was getting being responsible mixed up with having discipline, and that is just so not the case.

But, I have figured out one area of my life that I want to improve with discipline - and that is my prayer life.

Last night, at our Junior/Senior meeting, I brought up the idea of having a prayer journal - a notebook where you can write out your prayers word for word or just write down a list of what you want to pray for. I started mine last night - and wrote out 4 1/2 pages in the notebook.

The way I look at it is this - sure, I try to let God into my life in all areas - but when I let him into my life in all areas - it has turned into me not focusing only on God - it's always mixing God into all of the areas of my life. This isn't a bad thing, but I was never setting aside time to really focus on God daily.

This journal will change that.

By keeping a prayer journal - you step away from those distractions and you focus on that pen and the paper and what you want to say to God. Your writing keeps your mind focused on your prayer and even forces your mind to slowly go over what you're praying/writing. Your mind can't race ahead through thoughts since you have to purposefully write down each thought and spend some extra time thinking about it.

So my challenge for all of you is to begin your own prayer journal - and if you feeling ok enough - bring it to school so you can jot down prayers during the day or to make a list of what you want to pray about later - if you don't want to risk losing the journal or having people reading over your shoulder - keep it by your bed and make a point to write in it each day - even if it is only a few lines! I'm sure that I won't be writing 4 pages everyday - but I'm sure there will be another day when I have that much that I want to write down.

Another great thing to do with this journal is even to just read through it some night as your prayer - you'll see where you were and where you've come - and you'll be reminded of things that you want to pray about that you've maybe forgotten.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Side note: any 11th and 12th graders interested in the Bible study we're doing - I bought some notebooks specifically for this - so you can pick one up at my office or stop by on Sunday after church for our next Bible study! Meet at the Parish Center after the 10 AM Mass (or about 11:30).